My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
