i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
