Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I pour the whiskey from now on
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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