I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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