Your mouth is God's brothel.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
