there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
