please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
