I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
