Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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