I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
