how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
