You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
FUCK WHALES
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
