I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
