So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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