Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
