period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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