Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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