Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You took a bar mat shot.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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