I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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