you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
