My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
