Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
