how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
