There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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