im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
