Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
