if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize