the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
