I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
