Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
