Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
