ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
