She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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