my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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