I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
