So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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