can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
