dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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