i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize