remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
