I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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