I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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