just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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