Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
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