I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
