i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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