Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
