Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
