She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
