you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
