he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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