you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Randomize
