"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
