Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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