You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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