I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
