i don't like sucking hair
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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