I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
