My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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