I wish I only lived at night.
My cat gives me a boner
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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