3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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