So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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