I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
