You smell like stripper and shame
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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