last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
