Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
two words: eviction party
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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