my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
