Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
