Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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